06.19.05
trying
It�s true. I will carry them around with me forever, these rains and the sounds of the river cooling itself in the night.
These days I have taken to sitting alone in my bedroom, trying my best to cry without wetting my face. Everyone has those days, I think, when they wonder what went wrong. The thoughts are always the same; �I wish I could have been better� and so on. The kind of thing that will only worry you when you�ve been alone for a while and now the silence becomes like velvet brushing itself all over you. It comforts and it suffocates, moving down into your throat, seizing the contents of your stomach: one lollypop and one sour candy bar, bright blue.
Tomorrow though, I get to disappear. I will never board the plane, never finish studies. This business of feeling a strain because of studies, feeling guilty because of the expense is just so self pitying really. You don�t want to go. Don�t.
Your parents will search for months.
Where I will be these rains are pitiful. They come down for moments at a time, as if indecisive, they pain like ice. The summer is not a long yawning thing, but a pause, as if someone is holding his breath. Wait, wait for the winter and this breath, so cold, rushing past you and embracing you in every direction. This is what I trade my rains for. The silence is filled with sounds, it sparkles as if teasing. There is a promise of so much, the void winks and says to you, what are you sitting here so pensively? Who are you waiting to come crawling over your skin? It laughs too loudly at dinner parties.
This is better, at least, than being owned. When the chains have been cut, everything is endurable. When you are away from the world everything becomes beautiful.
shi-ou-sama at
