12.20.05
someday
I spent the summers of my childhood praying to god underneath my little window sill that I would grow tall. I prayed that my breast would swell and my skin glow and that the sway of my hips �which I knew were secondary sex characteristics, would cause those who looked after me to sigh.
Those days were days filled with hope and expectation. Anything could happen during puberty. Anything would, and did, and I would be a whole different person when it was over.
It seemed like a magic trick. It seemed too good to be true.
I listened intently to the sexual education classes. I knew that when ovulation began is set off a cycle of hormones that began to turn you into a woman. First, you would bleed and then your breasts would grow �and you might have stretch marks so you should use coca butter- and you would grow hair and start to smell in strange ways.
One night I ran my finger across the shining blade of my sister�s razor, curious as to what such a talisman of adulthood would feel like. I felt nothing but watched as the skin began to separate from itself and blood began to pour down my finger and drip into the tub basin.
I was so embarrassed I didn�t even wear a band-aid.
I was early. My period came one day in the bathroom of a Kenny-Rogers and I told my mother I was bleeding. I wasn�t exited, only sleepy, and I wondered slightly if it would stain my clothes. The food on my stomach made me uncomfortably full and my mother�s agitated words only annoyed me with their strident tones.
She bought me bras after that.
I was the only one in my grade to wear a bra, and this was safe to show while we changed clothes for P.E. in the classroom. Outside the boys shuffled into the small bathroom stall and we changes in the sunlight that streamed in though the stained glass windows. The colours played over our bodies and I took forever to change.
They were an emerald green. An emerald green stain underwear set. With frills. It was the most amazing thing for me to have worn and the other girls stared as I pulled on my running shorts. Underneath my uniform, I was different now.
I imagined that the drama would come, that I would have boyfriends and we would go on dates and I would cry, over the phone to my best friend. I imagined that now, even school would change and the chalkboard would be constantly covered in math problems.
I ate tater-tots at lunch. The boys played with their food. Juice still squirted out of my nose.
Life was unfair.
Still, I was the tallest in my class and once a beautiful lady told me she was just like me once. I marvelled that I could become such a thing. It seemed impossible that I could be like this woman who looked so much like a queen, like a model. She once was a little nothing like me.
The thing is, that is all puberty gave me. It seems like puberty decided it would finish the job later, but just never came back. I never grew again. My breasts did not swell, my hips did not sway. My skin, slowly, became covered in marks until I had forgotten what it was like to feel smooth skin.
It was if I had been cheated. Me, puberty�s biggest fan, let down when I needed it most.
The years went by and the drama did come. The math did get harder and I did have boyfriends and best friends to cry to.
We, awkward in our bodies, felt comfort in sharing the pain. I was forgotten by puberty. Yeah, you too?
Sometimes I blame myself. I didn�t eat enough. I didn�t drink enough milk. Sometimes I wonder if it is some cruel joke that I have been the punch line of.
I still imagine that maybe one day I can turn into that beautiful woman. Someday ill be beautiful. Someday.
shi-ou-sama at
