05.08.05

poor old johnny ray

In fiddler on the roof, tevye wonders to god why, on the night of his daughter�s engagement he must be told there will be a pogrom. It is a sad scene because we�ve gone through the whole movie with him, though slightly odd, as a lovable Jewish papa and here is, for us, a double blow. Poor tevye.
I�d gotten used to the fact that it was over; perhaps even that there was nothing to begin with, but certainly that there was nothing any longer. I think, one day I was watching her move and I saw for the first time the laugh lines in the skin and she didn�t glow the way she used to. I remember that I could stare into her for hours, feeling what was around her but now it was all dry.
At the office later on I cried. You know, I could feel the tears coming and I tried to stop them, though I couldn�t tell why they came. I thought to myself that if I breathed properly or if I held very still, but they still came streaming down my face. Even then I was thinking. Only if I could hold my breath it would freeze. Everything would stop.
I really hope sometimes that I would come home and see a note in the kitchen, her telling me that she was leaving me. On the floor, she would have left some insignificant thing and I would cling to it. I prayed for it, so that I would never have to see her, so I would be the victim.
In fact, I dreamt of it.
Yet every night she�s there. My darling, my angel, she is there in the home greeting me with warmth streaming from behind her. Ever faithful, ever doting.
I think, instinctively, I just need to get away from her, but all I can think of doing is breaking her neck.

shi-ou-sama at 11:23 a.m.

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