03.22.06
needed character development
Papa bought me something today. It had a green lock on it and it looked like a rabbits face with two large buckteeth in front. Guess what it was? It was you! And papa bought me a pen too. It doesn’t erase and I don’t get it all over my hands and I like it so much. It has pink flowers on the end and the ink smells a little bit like raspberries.
We bought you after we went to the movies. We walked over to the bookstore and I pointed at you and said you were pretty and papa smiled. He asked me if I wanted you and I said YES! I jumped up and down and the cashier lady with the brown eyes smiled when she gave it to me.
Oh! And I had blueberry muffins for breakfast that I baked all by myself. Mama had one and she liked it so much that she had two with the tea that I made in my porcelain pot!
Love, Trisha
Dear Diary,
Mama said that I have to stop sucking my thumb. We went to the doctor and he put something on it that looked like it came from a nail polish bottle, except it smelled worse and looked like someone had gotten sick in it.
He said that it would keep me from sucking my thumb and now it just tastes bad. It doesn’t wash off and it smells bad too.
When I went to school the next day, papa held my hand anyway, even though it was sticky and even though it smelled funny. At class, no one else wanted to play with me but daddy bought me ice cream after school from the Baskin' Robins, which is my favourite.
I wonder if papa ever was alone when he was little.
Love, Trisha
Dear Diary,
School is almost over this year and I can’t wait to be free.
The sun is getting hotter everyday and I wish I could go in to pool or to the beach instead of sitting in my desk at school. In my room, I have a calendar with the dates marked off, and I am counting down the days. It is only a few more weeks now.
We had a class today that taught us how babies are born. I had to get momma to sign a paper in the beginning of the year so that I could go. Since there was no more work to do, they set us all in a little room, separate from everyone else, and showed us a video of a mommy having a baby.
The boys laughed when she tried to push the baby out. They sang songs until the baby was born, pointing and laughing at us (do you want to do that too?). We couldn’t tell the teachers because they had left the room already and we could only stick our tongues out at them (yes, horribly).
Why are boys so stupid?
Love, Trisha
Dear Diary,
It rained and did not rain today. The walk to school was foggy and cool and I could see the raindrops falling because they looked like fine white dots against the background, but I couldn’t feel anything (no water on my cheek). I knew that the air was damp. It was as if a cloud has really come down for us to walk in. But that was it.
When I asked him, daddy called it drizzling.
Love, Trisha
Dear Diary
When I found the blood in my panties, I was not impressed.
Mama had taken us out to eat after church and I was wearing my stockings and my Sunday dress because that’s what I wore that morning. My stomach was hurting, but it was a different kind of hurt (like death) than I had ever had before. Then, at lunch in the restaurant, I could feel that something was wet in between my legs.
The bathroom was bright and quiet when I went and I didn’t say anything when I saw it. I touched it, to make sure, and my fingers were coated bright red (they smelled, not of death, but something else) before I ran to wash them.
When I told mama, she laughed. She said I was a woman now (how?). Papa laughed too (shame) and said I could be married off now.
The pasta was cold then and I ate as much as I could. It tasted old already and I wasn’t sure if it would make me sick again.
Trisha
Dear Diary
I hate the orthodontist.
He said that it would be another two years before my braces come off, since I haven’t been following all of his directions. They tightened the wires again and my jaw is sore. I feel like I am grinding my teeth to the bone (tension).
I wish that mama had bought the clear kind (she is jealous) so that my mouth wouldn’t flash metal each time I smiled. Now I will have to take yearbook photos with these things on.
I was looking through my old school pictures earlier and I saw one of me and Giselle at the beach. Back then, we wore the largest bikinis (so happy it was not a one-piece) with bright geometric prints on them. In one picture, we were splashing each other and the sun glittered for that one second when the picture was shot, I can tell that I am about to dunk her ( she always made me angry) and she is smiling. We smiled so large then.
There was an earlier one of me in my bathing suit in the bathtub. Back the, I still had that tugboat papa gave me (lost in transition) and I am looking down, playing with it in the picture, and daddy is sitting there smiling.
Trisha
Dear Diary
They finally let me go to the movies with him.
Richard came to pick me up in his car and they stood at the door waving, staring at us as we turned the corner and they couldn’t see us anymore.
We laughed as they faded into the distance.
The theatre was packed with people, staring straight ahead with the light of the projector streaming above them. While the previews ran I stared at the dust motes and tried not to think of him sitting next to me (I was not successful).
He would lean over to joke to me, wondering what would happen next (our arms touched) and I would laugh and whisper back to him (I curved towards him) . He wondered if they were going to fight anytime soon (can I?) and I yelled in my hushed voice, No (maybe)! He asked, not even a catfight (for a little bit)? No, I said, this is a romance (ok). Maybe someone will jump out from behind them with nunchucks (ok), he said.
It wasn’t as interesting as I expected. I only remember the lead actress dancing (our fingers stopped searching each other) and falling on the stage, her long hair pooled around her.
The spotlight made the fake snow look extra white and her skin was flushed and red.
In the movie, the men clapped for her (I felt his warmth), excited by her fall.
Trisha
Dear Diary
The trees outside are shaking in the sunlight because the breeze is blowing through them. The sun hasn’t set yet, and its yellow rays are hitting the lake in our backyard.
I cannot go outside now, I’ve been grounded, and so everything (everything) is far away.
It’s better if I don’t think about it too much (the images don’t leave my mind) but I want to leave.
Trisha
Dear Diary
I might fail my science class.
Instead of working on my project that is due tomorrow, I went over to Richard’s house. Mama and papa don't know it yet, but I can feel their anger already.
This is going to take all night.
Richard taught me a new game. There he was on his bed playing with his video game when I came in, and he smiled up at me. I had asked him what it was he laughed at me.
He sat behind me as I played, watching me die each time I fought a new monster. Sometimes he would take my controller and guide my hands to the right buttons, joking about how horrible I was.
The boss was the hardest part. Richard had to keep helping me, showing me the weaknesses of the big blue monster (his hands leave mine) so that I could defeat him. It took forever (he is on top of me) and the sun set before we killed him (is this ok?). The little characters jumped in celebration as when the monster died (yes) and their lives went on in peace. The trees grew back (yes) and the children played in the forests again (yes).
I don’t know what to do.
They are going to kill me.
Trish
Dear Diary,
I went to the park today by myself.
I missed the feeling the swing gave me of rushing through the air and in the fog, it seemed like everything could be like it was (it wasn’t). No one was there and the old chained creaked under my weight. I remembered how the layers of my dresses used to crunch under me and I would try not to dirty my shoes. I liked the way they shone from so many years of polish.
The rhythm of the swing’s back and forth seemed familiar (mama) and comforting as I pumped my legs. Below me, the sand and grass rocked and the sky turned bleeding orange while I whistled to myself. “Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie…”
If only I could jump.
Trish
Dear Diary
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(I hate him)
Dear Diary
I went shopping today with Christina for our prom dresses at the mall. The whole place was filled with them, the sherbet coloured things spilling out of aisles and the layers of taffeta brushing our feet as we walked past. We weren’t the only ones shopping. I saw them there in the stores, in the little boutiques, trying on dresses, smiling, and twirling in the mirrors with glitter sparkling.
It was harder for me (I didn’t sparkle) the dresses didn’t fit (they hung like empty bodies) no matter how hard I tried (they didn’t twirl). The saleswomen were so nice (pity) and Christina bought her dress and is telling Robert tonight so that her corsage can match.
She was smiling so much in her new heels, with her new bag.
Trish
Dear Diary
We ate breakfast together in a pancake shop to celebrate my graduation. It was mama’s idea, and she went there often, praising the quality of their hash browns and maple syrup.
She gave me a card with a picture of a graduate’s hat on it and in her sprawling script: I love you and ill miss you and you’ll always be my baby. She told me she was proud of me (he came into your room last night didn’t he?) as I opened the envelope. She said she would always be proud of me and I smiled (I did not want him).
Papa said he was proud of me too (flesh was rough on my skin) and that he never thought that any daughter of his could do so well (puberty had been kind).
They almost made me cry.
I had French toast covered in whipped cream (his fingers were covered in translucent white) that the waitress almost dropped in my lap. Mama had pancakes, papa had bacon, and eggs and we left at noon.
Now the sun has set and I am looking at myself in the mirror before I go to bed. I used to be half this tall (he used to hold my hand on the way to school) and my hair was in three long braids trailing down my back. Every night mama would plait my hair as I sat in her lap.
They said I had the body of a dancer (he pushed my legs apart); they said I had the fingers of a pianist.
Four more months.
Trish
Dear Diary
When the acceptance letters came, we all were so happy (of course we were) but now, what am I supposed to do? Where am I going to go?
Richard has already said his goodbyes, (until the sun rose) he wants to stay here for a year out of college. I told him it was stupid (he knew) but he is going to do it anyway.
He says for me to be happy.
What is my room going to look like when it is empty?
Trish
Dear Diary
They came with me to the airport to say good-bye. The line to go through security was snaking back out of the door -parents and children and black carry on luggage -so they waited with me until the line grew smaller. Mama hugged me before she left, and kissed me on the cheek (I’m sorry). She cried a little bit and wiped her tears with her hand. Papa hugged me too and kissed me on the forehead before he left (I’m…). I waved goodbye and the security guard told me to walk through the gate (finally, finally, finally, finally, finally
shi-ou-sama at
