09.05.01

thes

When I first met him, he seemed so gentle . . . almost fragile to me. He knew so much. I think, at first, I saw him as a neutralizer . . . someone to balance me out. He, for his part I think, liked speaking to someone who was not a complete idiot. Which, I do believe, I am not.

He was quite short and pale. His skin and hair felt and looked like cream- coloured silk on my skin . . . I perceived him as a quiet boy.

Some years later . . . one or two . . . I happened to be called upon by him, he seemed to be trying to make me believe that he simply happened upon my number. I did not believe this but his manners were fair and we enjoyed many conversations which lasted for weeks at a time. Eventually he asked to walk me to my bus, to which I rather astonishingly to me said yes.

Rather nervously, cautiously, he began to try to court me, and rather nervously, delightedly, I began to be courted. I think that initially we were both very happy . . . I have absolutely no doubt that he loved me. When he kissed me, it was like a flame. I felt utterly engulfed, treasured and loved. In hindsight, I do think I did love him. I do think I did my best to do more than reflect his burning love back to him like a cold moon . . . anyone could see his love for me. He did not though, express himself well. He was crude and uncouth. Perhaps that is what ultimately drove me away? He had me now. There was no reason to woo me. When needed I was there to use as he pleased. I went to him. I told him I was leaving him. When he stood there emotionless, I cursed at him and yelled at him as to why. Ultimately he shrugged. He would not talk about it, and when I left heard him "As you wish." His voice unemotional and cold. That day he was closed off to me. I think now that I will always love him. But no, never with him again. I swore . . . I swore that day that I would never go back to him.

shi-ou-sama at 7:03 p.m.

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